A Long Road

Its been months it seems that my bear came to me to offer me comfort, warmth and courage before sending me off to walk again down the road I was supposed to be walking.

The Bear

I remember fully, the peace and confidence my bear gave me. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Leaning over, running my fingers through the wildflowers that tickled my legs. The sun kissing my face and arms. My hair warm to the touch. The dream kept me warm and confident for so very long.

I have faithfully walked through the long grasses, swiftly running streams, climbed hills, descended valleys. Always in faith that my answers would be just around the corner, over the hill, tucked away in a dappled valley. I have been left with nothing more than a road still spread out before me expecting me to continue.

I am beginning to notice things I hadn't before. There is no shelter. An occasional spring rain is easily dodge by a welcoming oak tree. But when the down pours come, I am left to my own devices. The wildflowers have disappeared, replaced with sharp field grass dried by the sun. The ground below my feet from which I drew energy and joy is now hard and uncomfortable.

I don't bother looking back for my bear. I lost sight of her a long time ago. I don't bother looking ahead for her because as far as my eyes can see, there is nothing more than what I see right in front of me.

Many times now, I have stopped. Bargaining. "I will walk faster if you get me there faster." There have been no answers.

It is a long road,
an empty road,
without signs or maps
no landmarks or hints
that anyone has ever been this way before.

Its a ominous road
no longer inviting but frightening
mocking me because it knows
I only have two choices,
I can feel it waiting,
like a vulture to see
what choice I make.

~nina~

Holy Flu!

Sometime around 8pm on Saturday I knew I was in trouble. You just know that the flu is sneaking up on you. I laid down with a cold cloth. I started drifting in and out until about 11pm I began to realize I was having conversations with people that weren't in the room. I would stop in midsentence and shake myself back to reality. At one point I swear the Care Bears were here playing poker on my bed.

Then the pain started ripping down my legs and arms. It hurt so badly I yelled out like a big wimp. I thought about calling 911 but really who has $3000 for a cushy ride to a hospital to be told that I have the flu and I am not going to die. It was more out of fear of being alone I think than thinking I really needed a dr.

All of my new friends were being welcomed into our church Sunday morning. I was so excited to be there but I have been pretty much unconscious since late Sat. Infact, I didn't even know it had snowed until about an hour ago when I read a letter from my pastor which noted that she hoped I was enjoying my snowy day. Sorry I missed it ya'll. I know your day was important. Welcome to our Boise UCC church family!